We have an anchor

If I point you to my story failing to point you to Christ, then telling you my story would be a waste of my time and yours. I would like to use this time wisely now that I have your attention. There were three major revelations that God opened my eyes to in the middle of this sanctification process that we have been on in our walk with Christ and having Lucca.

1. All things work together for the good 

I will never forget taking two pregnancy test and crying of excitement and fear. I was scared I wasn’t ready to be a mom. I was terrified that we were not financially ready for all the things our little one may need. We would hear things like “kids are expensive” “they are a lot of work” “You need to be ready”, but we soon learned that trusting God was all we could do day-in and day-out. Without our faith in Christ we wouldn’t have survived. We learned very quickly to trust the Lord of Isaiah 41:13, He truly was the one holding our hand.

Lucca came as a big surprise to my precious husband and I, and although we were not completely ready, we welcomed him with open arms. My pregnancy was smooth. I do remember that later in my pregnancy I needed to get iron infusions. My iron count was incredibly low. Going to the cancer center every day and being tied to a machine for hours was not a pretty sight. But I did it, Lucca needed it and eventually I was ready and “healthy” enough to have Lucca. After all, God guards us through our faith (1 Peter 1:5).

On Monday September 18th, 2017, my mommy instinct kicked in. I knew something was wrong. I looked at my coworker and told her that I felt I needed to go see my doctor. Lucca wasn’t moving and I was having unusual discharge. A few minutes later I was on my way to my OBGYN. While my doctor performed the ultrasound, he asked me if my water had broken. We later learned that my water break was not like other normal pregnancies. I was told to go directly to the emergency room. I had no pain, no contractions. Nothing.

Twenty minutes later and two weeks before my due date (according to my OB). I was being induced for labor. Our little one was under complete distress, every time I had a contraction his heart would slow down. It was scary, frustrating and tiring. All I could remember was five people rushing into my room putting a breathing mask on my face, turning me to one side and asking for consent to do a C-section and off to the cesarean room we went. This was the moment where the true intentions of my heart would come to light. Whatever I had been harvesting would reveal what I feed my soul, and through God’s grace my heart hung to Hebrews 6:19 – “We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain”

My most honest prayer happened right there in that room. I could hear everything the doctors were saying, “He is very dry”, “let’s do this quickly” they would whisper to each other. I remember feeling a big pressure-push and the doctors counting 3, 2, 1…. and then, radio silent. Until I heard him cry. It was like I took my first breath with him as well. He was here, he was alive. Our little one had reminded us to trust the Lord, no matter the outcome. “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose” ~ Romans 8:28. That moment of suffering pushed us to our most earnest prayers.

2. We have an anchor, a forerunner, Jesus. 

So, here we are with our little miracle. We are noticing some things. He is not latching, he is not eating more than one ounce at a time. Our pediatrician hears a heart murmur which is not uncommon in many infants, he still referred us to a cardiologist as it wouldn’t go away.  As the weeks went by the heart murmur got louder and we were referred to a different cardiologist. Minutes after our second cardiologist looked at him we were told to pack our bags and head straight to the emergency at New York Presbyterian – Colombia University. Our little one had a VSD, a hole in his heart on the wall that separates the lower chambers of the heart. A VSD is usually non-threatening if its small –medium in size. Lucca’s VSD was extremely large.

What did this mean to me as a Christian? What did this mean to a broken family of believers? It meant that although this will change our hearts and the way we had to treat and take care of our son – It didn’t and wouldn’t ever change the unchangeable word of God in Genesis 1:27: “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them” I remember replaying the cardiologist words in my mind over and over as I was on my way home to pack for the hospital. If you were to ask me what my lowest moment was, it was when I pulled over from driving because I felt like couldn’t breath, this news had me feeling like I didn’t know what hit me. Pack? What in the world was I going to pack? everything around me just seemed so insignificant. But guess what? In my greatest moment of weakness, the sovereignty of God does not change. It didn’t matter how dark that moment was. God was in control. That should be the greatest news to all believers. It should bring us peace that when we lose control, God is always in control.

3. He keeps in perfect peace all those who trust him

Thinking about how the next few days before surgery would be was painful, but what kept us was knowing that the hope of God does not change when we enter a different stage in our life, He is constant and faithful. I would be lying if I told you my faith was strong every minute of our hospital stay, because it wasn’t. I never imagined that sanctification could happen at a hospital while staring at consent forms to allow my three-month-old son to have open heart surgery. What did it even mean to “rest” in Christ? Within hours, I went from a God-fearing, relentless woman of God (or so I thought I was) to a confused, full of questions, depressed first time mom. Understanding that suffering is not outside of God’s sovereignty (1 Peter 2:18–15), we come face to face with the fact that in the framework of God’s plan for us as mothers there is a beautifully crafted metanarrative of our Lord’s grand scheme of things. (Romans 8:29). Thank God for his mercy, we have a high priest who is able to sympathize with us. (Hebrews 4:15-16).

Never in my life had I spoken to so many doctors, all with a different role that will impact my sons life forever. God was working in our hearts, dealing with our sinful nature and refining our faith. We exercised this faith while I walked across the street to get one more coffee, as I sat outside on the hospital sidewalk in tears, as we signed every form and made decisions with broken hearts ourselves. In the midst of all of this, although it may have not been at the forefront of my mind, deep in my heart a favorite verse I had memories in my teens was doing its work: “For from him and through him and for him are all things. To him be the glory forever! Amen.” – Romans 11:36.

After a week of sleep deprivation, miracles of God, crying outburst and a story that can ONLY point to Christ we were going home. Lucca got his VSD repair with gortex patch. In addition, they found another hole in his heart during the surgery that was repaired along with a subaortic membrane resection and a PFO direct closure. All these defects would have been unknown if they had not opened him for the VSD in the first place. My dear reader, that is how we know God was in control. This is the scripture that has resonated in my heart these past weeks: “Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.” – Psalm 34:5. God kept and us and saved our son not because we were good people, bible readers or bookworms, he kept us because HE is good and end of story.

Our son’s story doesn’t end here; the recovery process was challenging. He has been in the hospital after this for another surgery and an RSV virus that almost took his life. But through it all his little life continues to point us to Christ, he is not even two yet, pray for us. If you are reading this, please know that it is not our goal that you feel sorry for us, nor is it the aim of this article for you to see my son and say “What a warrior!” it is our purpose that you see that God is faithful, that He is just, and that if it had pleased God to take Lucca from us, God would still be good. I pray that your faith is strengthen today.

I leave you with this:
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

The righteous person may have many troubles,

    but the Lord delivers him from them all” – Psalm 34:18-19

-Perla P. Juarez